On Psychomotor Retardation

When I can't pick my feet up and I can't walk much faster than 3mph, I know the sadness is (literally) weighing heavily upon me.  I don't know how to escape it.  Walking usually helps but today it didn't.  I am tired.

Shadows

My mentor, as always, provided wise advice for my upcoming visit.  She wrote, "Consider it a pre med shadowing experience - in time you will get to be the MD.  Seems far off but it will eventually come..."

I know time often moves more quickly in retrospect.  Indeed, I can't believe med school is over and I'm not even an intern anymore.  I certainly can't believe my high school class will have its ten-year reunion this fall.  I just wish I could believe that "it" really will eventually come.  I don't believe anymore.  I believe in Hashem (God or literally The Name) and that He could give me children if He chose to do so.  I just don't see Him choosing.

The word "shadowing" started me thinking.  Infertility and shadows are so linked for me.  The dark shadows of depression.  The shadowy, just-hanging-on existence because NOTHING matters to me as much as having children.  Waiting in the shadows while my friends have their babies and even start having second babies.  The shadows of doubts that this will ever work.  Even ultrasounds are black and white and grey -- shadows.  And how about foreshadowing?  When I learned that we'd lost sweet Baby B I told -- my mentor, maybe? -- that as long as it was just one I could bear the loss.  Had I only known.

So yes, I suppose next weekend will be yet another shadowing experience.  Hopefully I will enjoy some part of it, and hopefully she is right that the Maternal Degree will eventually come.

This weekend my aunt is hosting her annual Spanish Night.  It was at this same dinner party last year that we announced our "good news."  A year can take sad turns.

Looking for advice from my infertile sisters

I'm venturing into the belly of the beast.  That's right,  my best friend S and I are flying to visit our other good friends B, L and their two-month-old baby A next weekend (27-29).  They are graciously hosting us in their home.

Prepare for infant immersion.

I love B and L.  We always have so much fun.  He's hilarious and she is just right for him (and funny herself).  They are foodies just like we are.  And S - well, she's S!  I miss her so much I can't wait to see her.

But B and L are parents now.  Their priority will be baby A.  It should be.  And I am glad they have their beautiful baby girl.  But how will I survive the weekend without breaking down?  S, B, and L know about my struggle and I'm sure they'll try to be sensitive, but still...and S has volunteered us to baby-sit while B and L enjoy a rare night out Saturday night the 28th. 

Dear readers, do you have any suggestions on how to cope with this trip?  I really want to see my friends but I am nervous about how I'll react.

Any and all advice appreciated.

Where is Joseph when you need a dream interpreted?

It was a sad evening.  I'm not sure what set me off, but it was.  I don't understand how sometimes I suddenly, without warning, feel like crying.

Maybe it's the dream from last night.

I dreamt I had triplets: a boy, a girl, and maybe another girl.  They were wrapped in receiving blankets and were beautiful.  But even in my dream, I knew they couldn't possibly be mine and I couldn't be happy even as they were given to me to hold.

Or maybe these were my three lost babies saying hello?

No, I haven't disappeared...

...I've just been on hiatus.  First my computer met Diet Vernors.  They found each other disagreeable company and the M and N keys refused to work, necessitating multiple trips to the Apple store.  Then, I was out of town two weekends in a row.  This having weekends off thing is neat -- do people get that every five days?  Wow!

Trip #1 was to Chicago.  This was not entirely a pleasure trip; Husband had to provide a sperm sample and get his bloodwork (again, despite having been tested multiple times and being faithful to me, just in case he somehow contracted HIV or HBV or HCV via the air).  Fortunately we got that (and the requisite fight) over with quickly.  I'd like to thank Delta Airlines for canceling our flight.  (Oh, wait -- no, I don't exactly thank them.)  At least Northwestern accommodated our slightly tardy arrival and we were done with the baby-related part of the trip by 1:30pm.  The nurse coordinator said they will split Husband's sample this time so that if/when this round fails, we don't need to come back but only to find a new egg donor.

I'm still not holding my breath.  I just hope that the miscarriage doesn't happen on my birthday.  Because it now looks like (IF donor's colonoscopy is ok) we are aiming for a September transfer.  Which would put mid-November in prime miscarriage territory.  Please, G-d, don't let that happen!

The rest of the weekend was a lot of fun.  We toured Navy Pier, saw a fencing tournament, walked all over the city, and overate.  The weather was lovely and it was nice just to spend some time together.  We also had fun embracing our nerdy science side at the museum of science and industry.  Of course, I just had to find my way to the room where the unborn babies are preserved to show different phases of development.  And yes, I found the 17wk3day baby.  Just a day older than Peanut was.

I did not cry.

We came back to Detroit, where I finished the last week of internship.  Then it was time for trip #2.  UP NORTH!  You only understand if you know where I live.  But that's okay.

And you will have to wait until tomorrow for details, because Husband is tired and wants to go to bed.

Good night and Shabbat Shalom, everyone!

Of impatience and A year ago tomorrow

No major updates today.  I just wish I could learn patience.  It is wrong to wish I could skip five months ahead until we get to cycle again.  I know that.  Life is too precious a gift.  Moreover, I know that once November hits I will be amazed at how quickly time passed.  But from the vantage point of mid-June, it seems an eternity!

How can I learn patience?  If I were a patient person this would be easier to bear.  But I am not patient. I have no clue how to become patient.  I can delay gratification, yes, but that's much easier to do when you know that after four years of medical school you will be a doctor, and after three years of residency you will be a chief resident or an attending.  Not that life is guaranteed, but assuming nothing goes drastically wrong, there is a set endpoint, and you work toward it, and then you get there.  With this baby-making there is no set endpoint and no guarantee of success.  In fact, if I calculated properly each cycle has a higher rate of failure than of a live baby/babies.  And you go on until you can't anymore.  And you have no control over the results.  The only thing you can do is stop trying.

I'm not stopping yet.  It's not that I believe I will ever be a mother -- I have no hope anymore -- but I don't think I can be more upset than I already am, so I might as well keep trying because it seems pathetic to give up after only three years.

Why am I here, anyway, when from an evolutionary standpoint I have no reason to exist?  I suppose I have a a purpose but I just don't know it.

 A year ago tomorrow I was in Chicago looking at an ultrasound of two tiny embryos and listening to their synchronized heartbeats.  It was the last time they were both alive.

The latest roadblock...but I'm sure not the last

Our donor's brother was found to be anemic and as part of the workup, a colonoscopy was done (yes, I know this is passive voice -- science mode) revealing numerous benign polyps.  I presume they are working him up for Peutz-Jeghers Syndrome.  He is having genetic testing done, and she herself is scheduled for a colonoscopy in August.  Meaning, even if the results are normal, we wouldn't likely transfer until late October or early November.  I no longer expect things to work out anyway.  We will see if we can get another ovum donor, just in case.

Either way, it now seems I am almost guaranteed not to have a baby in my twenties.  That would require a successful transfer by February, and I just don't believe anymore.

I'm thinking about adopting either a Tamagotchi or a pet rock.

And by the way -- Peutz-Jeghers Syndrome is NOT a premalignant condition, so why does it even matter?  Would someone tell my donor that she can't have children if she had the syndrome?  And it's autosomal dominant and her parents don't seem to have the phenotype, so isn't this more likely a spontaneous mutation?