Another update -- also known as procrastination -- Change of place, change of luck

But not too much procrastination.  I do need actually to pass my Internal Medicine boards, after all, and study time is scant.

But in brief: we have decided to change IVD clinics.  I had no great love for our previous clinic, and as it turns out, their rates are below average and overall poor.  I'll not get into specifics but basically we've noted serious detail problems and are ready to move on.  We're considering two clinics.  One is CCRM and one is on the west coast.

A Hebrew phrase goes, משנה מקום, משנה מזל, meaning "change your place, change your luck."  In some ways I feel odd writing that as our darling A is a true miracle.  But I think you all know what I mean.

I won't mention here the name of the centre which I just "divorced."  I don't want to slander or speak ill and I can't remember if I mentioned it previously or not.  I will simply say that I now know a much better centre in Chicago, and if anyone needs the recommendation, feel free to contact me.

Now -- practice exam questions and hopefully a new entry in my journal to A.

Goodnight!

In Which Our heroine remembers she has a blog

Hello again, dear readers,

And no, there is no baby on the way as of writing.  Life is just busy.  Good, old-fashioned, real life.  And I'm okay with that.  I think we are supposed to be out there, living real life.

So, you might ask, what is going on in that real life?  A is now sixteen months and counting -- I can't believe it!  She's truly a toddler.  I think the real transition happened while were in Israel, just around her fifteen-month "birthday."  She started walking just before her birthday but by the time we were in Israel she was really running everywhere, and just everything about her went from baby to toddler.  She started protesting naps (and anything else) she didn't want to do with a vengeance.  She doesn't want to sit still, so restaurants were shift-work.

I miss babyhood, but honestly?  This doesn't frustrate me too much other than the obvious nostalgia.  Toddlers are learning independence and trying to understand how to convey their needs.  And A can't speak many words yet, so she's frustrated that she can't communicate.  Throw in the understandably short toddler attention span...

And there is so much sweetness, dear readers!  My little baby (she will always be my baby) has learned to push her babydoll in a toy pram and now she calls herself "mama" and gives her dolly kisses.  She is also learning to play ball, and she is so curious to explore everything.  And she is identifying animals in her storybooks, and at the zoo.  She knows some body parts.  And she is just a silly, adorable, sweetheart.  Every night I tell her she is our daughter and we waited a long time for her, and she makes us the happiest people alive, and that she is the answer to our prayers and the light of our lives.

This would be a lovely way to end this post, except it would be incomplete.  No, there is no baby on the way -- but that is not for lack of trying.  We have had two failed FETs, one in February and one in April.  I struggled to decide on a next step.  But eventually we agreed to do one more full IVF cycle, using the same lovely surrogate but a fresh donor.  (We're out of embryos anyway).  We just chose the donor, so hopefully I will be able to update you with some good news sometime soon.  Our plan is to do a day 5 transfer w PGD to ensure we transfer chromosomally-normal embryos.

On the professional front...the professional front seems to mean so much less to me.  But anyway.  I'm on research right now, working with vancomycin-resistant Enterococcus faecium and the interactions between cathelicidin exposure and daptomycin susceptibility (fancy language meaning I play with resistant bacteria and try to find out if our immune system reacts to them in a way that makes the antibiotic resistance worse).  My co-fellows are a great group.  Learning to work in a lab is definitely a learning curve!

And now?  I have a microbiology practical exam in two days, so it's study time.

Goodnight, everyone, and Shabbat Shalom!

Fourteen weeks old! Loving every minute!

Maybe this is cliche, but, dear readers, I am truly loving every minute with my beautiful little A.  I hold her and watch her sleep, and have to force myself to put her down in her crib.  I smell her baby smell.  And she's smiling now -- smiling!  It is the most heartwarming thing in the world.  Oh, and the way her entire body wiggles with excitement when she plays with her kick and play piano?  I myself want to squeal with delight.

A sleeps through the night most nights, which is wonderful timing considering I am about to embark on six weeks of Q4 call.

I'll write more later, hopefully.  But work calls...

One Month Old

I can't believe it, but our little Babybug (double points to anyone who gets the allusion) is one month old today.  She is the sweetest joy I could imagine. Her disposition is easygoing and she loves to snuggle and fall asleep in our arms.  The only time she really cries is when she's hungry -- and then it's as if a switch went off: one moment calm and peaceful, the next moment "FEED ME!"  She's already left newborn clothes behind and is making her way into the 3-6month.

Which means, I've some catching up to do for the blogosphere!  Let us rewind to 24 January.  Okay, actually 23 January.  Husband, Mama, Daddy, and I flew to California.  Our flights landed on time and our surrogate and her husband met us at the hotel where we would be staying.  We visited with them and my parents got to meet them for the first time.  I think Surrogate was glad the first time she was meeting them wasn't in a hospital gown with her legs spread open!  Then we went to bed.  I wasn't sure I'd be able to sleep but I slept…like a baby.  (Yes, I know, bad pun intended.)  I was tired as I had been too excited the night before the flight.  But that night I slept well, and the hotel bed was quite comfortable - more than my own bed.

The original plan was to start the induction around 0600 on the 24, but Surrogate's hospital was full with five women delivering at once.  So instead we went back to bed (which I definitely needed) and had a leisurely breakfast before making it to the hospital around 11:00.  Surrogate had her pitocin infusion started but things were just at the beginning.  She, her husband, and her friend and we chatted and passed the time.  It was a slow day with a lot of waiting.  In the evening Surrogate got her epidural, with some post-procedural hypotension which resolved with a bolus of normal saline.  By 10:30 or 11:00 Surrogate was only at 4cm dilated, and everyone was tired.  Surrogate had been made to position herself on her hands and knees to try to speed the process, but it hadn't done much.  Finally we all dozed off.  Surrogate had an epidural by now so don't worry -- she was quite comfortable.  She had actually been a trooper, barely even moaning during contractions before she got the epidural.

There are other snapshots I remember.  The First Wives Club was on television.  My parents brought us Chinese food for dinner.  The nurses were all incredibly nice.

At 11:55pm, the lactation consultant came in to speak to Surrogate about her pumping as she planned to donate her milk.  Surrogate woke up and at first, thought her epidural needed adjustment as she could "feel something" -- but no, then she realized "I've gotta push!"

The could barely page the OB and break the bed down in time.

And then, with a single push, at 11:59, out came our perfect miracle.

I didn't cry.  My hand didn't even shake as I cut the umbilical cord.  (Granted, I'd done so several times during my third-year OB-GYN clerkship.)  I don't know what anyone else was doing at this point as I was following my baby, my daughter, my little love of my life over the the incubator.  After what seemed an eternity of Apgar scores, measurements, footprints, etc I was finally handed my baby.  They had me change into a hospital gown so I could slip her underneath for skin-to-skin bonding.  And then she was mine.  Ours.  I couldn't believe it.

I still can't believe it.

Soon afterward my parents arrived at the hospital to meet their granddaughter.  My Mama cried.  We called my grandparents and siblings and my best friend, who is so amazing she wanted to be called at 0300 even though she had a big exam (ABSITE - the surgical residency in-training exam) the next morning.  I spent the hospital stay in the room with the Surrogate and Babybug as there wasn't a room for Husband and me to take together.  Of course I tried to let Surrogate rest while I took care of my new charge.  But she woke to pump colostrum anyway, which I was able to feed Babybug along with Enfamil newborn formula.  Yes, I got no sleep, between feeding and diapering and holding our Babybug.  But I loved it -- just me taking care of my baby, this new little person totally dependent on me, and it being all my responsibility without any help from my husband or my parents at this point.  I did go to the hotel to shower and nap briefly so I'd be able to make it through the night, and of course I got some pointers on interpreting baby cues from Surrogate.  But I loved having that time with Babybug.  I spent so much time just holding her and kissing her and staring at her.  I didn't want to sleep because I would miss it!  But yes, I did fall asleep from about 0300 to 0700 each day, I think.  It was a blur.  I was tallying meconium diapers and wet diapers and bottles…and loving every minute.

Right now, my little wiggly (as my sister calls her) is waking up and is going to want a bottle, so I'm going to post this and more updates later.

Thank you all for your support on this journey and much love.

In Which Our heroine meets her happy ending

Five IVF attempts.
Four years.
Three egg donors.
Two surrogates.

One miracle baby.

Welcome to the world, Little One.  You are our dream come true.

In Which Our Heroine waits, and not with particular grace or patience

Today marks 38wks, 2 days.  We are so close.   One week from tomorrow Husband, Mama, Daddy and I are supposed to fly to California to meet Surrogate for her induction.

A week is no time!

A week is a VERY LONG TIME.

The other day Surrogate had what I thought were serious contractions, but they turned out to be Braxton-Hicks.  They stopped when she went to bed and cooled off thereafter.  And they never were closer together than eight minutes, and not too painful.  I had a few hours of excitement, but am now pretty much accepting the fact that it's going to take time.

Okay, perhaps "tolerating with great grumpiness" is a better descriptor.

Anyway, I will update when there is what to update.

Goodnight!

In Which Our Heroine is very, very impatient

Dear Readers,

I wish you all a Happy and Healthy New Year, and that 2014 is better than 2013.

I should be eager and excited right now.  We're thirty-six weeks, six days along.  Theoretically it's just a matter of time.  But here's the thing: I DON'T WANT TO WAIT.

I know it's ridiculous.  After four years, two and a half weeks should be a piece of cake.  But we're so very, very close.  And I'm still worried that something might happen, and we'll get some horrible call.

Also, I really want to meet this little girl!

Baby, please hurry up.