Our surrogate did get pregnant with one little Sweetpea who made it to five weeks, four days. But at the ultrasound there was no heartbeat and the baby was too small, and a repeat also showed no heartbeat and no growth. Surrogate is scheduled for a D&C on Tuesday morning.
I got the bad news while at dinner with Husband and our best friends in Israel, who are seven months pregnant. When we got back to the hotel, the television did me a favor and broadcasted such perfect programs as "Father of the Bride: Part Two" and the episode of Ramzor where Tali discovers she is pregnant.
We will try again as soon as we find a new egg donor. Husband remains unwilling to consider adoption and while I disagree with that decision, I will support it for now since surrogacy is still an option.
Am I just not meant to be a mama? And if not, what can I possibly do that would be even half a meaningful? I want to be a mama so much that I would give up medicine if they were mutually exclusive. I am trying to count my blessings and keep reminding myself of the line from Job "God giveth, God taketh away, blessed be God's name" but it is challenging to really mean it. At least this time the baby is already dead, and I didn't see pictures that looked like more than a sac, and Sweetpea was only five weeks and four days along and we told only the very closest people. And maybe if you really really want children but don't get them you get to be a mama in Heaven eventually.
That's the sad update of the day. I hope, dear readers, that your weekend goes better than mine.
And a question: Is it wrong to cave in to the temptation to cancel the workshop I am supposed to lead at a conference next weekend?
I am so sorry, sweetie.
ReplyDeleteTo start with the end question, I don't think it's wrong and you need to do what you need to do in order to get through this. BUT sometimes when we go ahead with something we don't want to do, we also get peace of heart or understanding on the other side. Maybe you'll meet someone at the conference who will give you the best advice you've ever received. Or maybe not. But sometimes I use that idea to weigh out how much I really need to step back -- would I be okay missing out on a connection if that's where it was waiting for me?
To the other question: I don't think this has any bearing on whether or not you are meant to be a mother. You want to be a mother very badly. On the other side, completely unrelated, there is science -- the reality of conception and all that goes into it. Don't take it as a sign that you are not meant to be a mother any more than you would take winning the lottery as a sign that you ARE supposed to be a mother. They are two events completely outside what exists in your heart: a very deep desire for parenthood.
And I wish you peace of heart as you continue on towards it.
Thank you so much for your cyber-support. I appreciate it. If nothing else, at least we can now eat chametz! And I'm excited for MFA Sundays -- I was an English Language and Literature major with a concentration in Creative Writing and I miss it a lot.
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