Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I don't want to hope

I don't want to hope because it hurts too much.  But we did find a second surrogacy agency, and they have a surrogate available in Florida.  I'm sure there will still be plenty of fun and exciting roadblocks and we will get our hopes dashed.  But for now, at least it isn't bad news yet.  And maybe the pomegranates we eat tomorrow night will bring luck.

Aren't I sweet and Pollyana-ish?

Details to follow once we have more.

Monday, September 26, 2011

It's self-centered to document the silly little chronicles of my life, but then nobody is required to read, so I suppose it's okay.

I'm writing this from my brand-new laptop, bought with the sweat of two floor months and one night float. A lot of H&Ps went into me being able to afford a computer.  It is a good feeling to be able to say, "I earned this computer.  I worked hard and saved up and then I walked out of the Apple store with a 15-inch MacBook Pro."  I am grateful to my parents for all their support, but I feel bad asking them for money when I am married and supposed to be an adult, so it felt nice to purchase this computer myself.  We would still need major assistance if a surrogate or two would ever walk into our lives, but then who knows -- maybe by then we will have saved up the money ourselves.

Okay, focus on the positive -- so many people wish they had been expected to medical school, and (kinehora) I have a wonderful family and husband.  And I should remind myself that I get six children in Heaven.  But I wish I could have some soon too.

Friday, September 23, 2011

A visit from one of my best friends is just what I needed!

But I am on call tomorrow, so details later.  Love you, S!  You are a second sister and I will miss you SOOO much until I come visit you in April!

Monday, September 19, 2011

In response to my last post

I have the BEST program director in the world of Internal Medicine!!!  One little email and everything is set.  Passover 5772 (2012) in Israel, here we come!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

The Joys of Residency: Maternity Leave for a Lost Baby

Aren't I lucky?  I don't get to have a baby, but I do get to have four weeks' maternity leave for a baby who's never coming.  In late January, when Husband can't even take vacation. 

It's not that I can't switch.  But who'd be willing?  I sent a mass email and nobody came forward.  I'm sure they'd help if they could, but it's tricky to find someone with the appropriate schedule since every schedule change affects everyone.

I'm okay with having an extra floor month.  I can handle having only one elective month.   But must they rub salt in my wound by making me take "maternity" leave?  Or is it, taking leave of any hope of maternity?  Or maternity leaving me behind?

But these word games don't make me smile at all.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


First of all, I should correct my previous post entitled "Heaven."  Actually my Heaven will have six children.  How can I forget Baby B, and my almost-son Baby A.  And of course my beloved great-grandmother will help me take care of them, because she is already keeping watch over them until I (hopefully not for a long time) join them.

I'm super sleepy right now.  This rotation started out light but somehow the "VA spa" Red team grew to fourteen patients and didn't diurese, and we have some very ill patients.  I don't mind -- challenge is good -- and in fact my day was less bad today because I got to Gram stain :o)  I have missed one Gram stain, third year, of course when my mentor was rounding and I wanted to make a good impression.  I have not missed one since.  I also spin my own urine, examine my own peripheral blood smears (and now know how to make them),  review images with radiologists.  Oh, and I EXAMINE my patients.  Should it worry me that I might be the only intern doing so?  And that I try but still don't do all these things on all my patients each time I should?  I really worry about the future of medicine.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Magical thinking

...because if being realistic doesn't help, why not have fun believing in fairy tails?

Maybe if we wish on the first star the Blue Fairy will come and turn our kitty into a real girl? It worked in Pinnochio.

Saturday, September 10, 2011


If I can't have babies now at least maybe when I die my Heaven will have babies. I will have four babies or as many as I want. I won't have to wait for them and worry that they won't survive gestation beacause in Heaven every baby is born healthy and happy. They will be sweet, good, beautiful children. The eldest I will call Nessa, from the word for miracle. My second I will name Gila, from the word for joy. My third will call Rina, from another word for joy. And the youngest? She shall be Liora, my light. With each child we will have joyous celebrations welcoming their arrival: all sorts of sweets -- knafe, different ladoos, seven-layer cake, home-baked Tzvia cake, name cakes (of course!) and brownies, and special date cookies, and komish cookies, and strudel, and there will be klezmer music in the background, and everyone will given the new baby a blessing -- not in a religious way but in a fairy-tale way. And the children will be endowed with all those blessings because after all, this is Heaven we're discussing. And because it's Heaven I will be able to control time. I can mother newborns if I want, or take them by the hand to their first day of school, or go back and watch them take first steps, or fast forward and watch them graduate medical school. I will be able to enjoy first words over and over, and the heartache will end.

Maybe this way I can tell myself motherhood WILL happen -- only later. And Heaven lasts a lot longer than life, so really I should consider myself lucky.