I am lying in bed after an abbreviated Shabbos dinner. (Husband was tired and wanted to come home early.)  It was one of those days when I spent a LOT of time thinking about infertility.  I recognize now that these things ebb and flow.  A year or so ago the depression was really getting to me.  Now I realize it's just what is, and it waxes and wanes, and I have to try to enjoy the good moments and remember that the horrible moments won't last forever.  I don't stop myself from being sad, I just let it happen.  Fighting takes too much energy.  With the sun I am usually better, and I am hoping we can finally shed the ski jackets sometime soon because seriously, April, it is too darn COLD.

We got the draft of our egg donor contract back.  Husband already looked it over and said she is asking for a lot of revisions and he wonders if some are unreasonable.  I still have to take a look.  But I worry, too -- I'm rather a captive audience, aren't I?  I just hope things work out.

I have been thinking too, what I would do if this cycle and the next cycle fail.  Husband is still against adoption and I don't know how much more IVF I can do.  I have my doubts even about this but am not giving up yet.  I try to think about what I can do and what could bring me joy if (G-d forbid) I don't have a baby.  It will never add up and it will never replace.  And I would rather die than live childless. But life is a gift from G-d so that's not really an option.

 - I can (theoretically) be a kickbutt physician, the one other doctors see when they need medical attention.
 - I can finish writing my novel and be an author, dividing my time between clinical and educational duties and my writing.  It works for Abraham Verghese.
 - I can still make kickbutt challah, cake, and matza-ball soup.  (Yes, I will provide the recipes one of these days)
 - there will still be chocolate soufflé and cake-batter flavored ice cream to eat
 - there will still be tea with sweetener and lemon
 - there will be opera and theater and ballet
 - there will be falafel and pita and jachnun in Israel
 - the Mediterranean
 - nachal zaki נחל זאכי, my favorite hike -- or it is a swim?
 - I can still inspire students at the bedside
 - I can still read a good book in bed until I can't keep my eyes open anymore
 - music: Beethoven and Mozart and Bach and Chopin and Tchaikovsky and more
 - frosting :o)  by the spoonful, straight from the container
 - the smell of new books at a bookstore

I think that's enough for a sleepy night with eight patients to see before rounds tomorrow morning.  Nephrology is fascinating but I want sleep!  And we are going to see Aida tomorrow night.  Viva Verdi!  (or is that Vittorio Emannuel Regnum d'Italia for you history buffs)

And one last question, dear readers:  I have been thinking about the idea of Infertility Photos as a foil to the maternity photos my friends keep posting.  I want pictures too!  I don't know what exactly I would do, or how much it would cost (not wiling to spend much).  But I am on a journey too, and it's longer and more painful, and I don't ever want to forget this time.

Any creative people have ideas for Infertility Photos?  I don't actually intend to make them public, but I sort of want something for myself.

Anyway, that's all for tonight.  Shabbat Shalom, everyone!

I know, once again I have left you, dear readership.  It's just been a very low-energy period for me.  I managed to go on the treadmill once, and outside once (which did wonders for my mood as per the Romantic dictum of the child in Nature), but other than that, I have felt like a complete slug.  I suspect it's psychosomatic.  A year ago we lost the second pregnancy.  I remember so well -- we were eating at מקום של בשר in Tel Aviv, a fancy meat restaurant, with S and E who were two months from delivering their baby boy, and S created a wifi hotspot and I received a bad news email.  It was before our food even came so I had to maintain a public face for the rest of the night.  Then we went back to the hotel and go figure -- what was on television?  Father of the Bride Part Two (just at the part where the two women have babies).  We switched the channel.  Fate was against us: Tali from the Israeli show Ramzor (רמזור) was having her baby in the episode that was airing.

But I made it through.  I didn't think I could possibly lose another baby after Baby A and my sweet Peanut.  But after we lost my Sweatpea, I finished internship, and now I have almost finished my second year of residency.  I don't even have another call month.  My evaluations dropped slightly but you know what, I made it through.  And that has to be a victory of some kind.  And while I hope and pray that I never deal with another trans-Atlantic miscarriage, I guess that if I survived before, I could survive again.  (And this time, I would not be afraid to make an expensive phone call if it made me feel better!)

But maybe I'll just have a BFN.  And who knows?  Retrieval and transfer must happen first, of  course.    we do have tentative dates for those but I prefer not to share yet.  I do know we plan on a two-embryo transfer and that once again, I probably won't be able to make it to the transfer.  I guess there's nothing much I would do there anyway, but it does feel strange to be so removed.

Anyway, that's the IVFun (not) update.

In other aspects of life, we had our annual mimouna party, where Husband and I pretend we are Moroccan Jews and whip of a huge batch of mufletot and other sweets to celebrate the end of Passover.  This year we had forty-six guests!!!  It was a bit of work but a lot of fun, and my beloved Mama Phyll and her best friend helped a lot.  My semolina cake was a big hit; I'll try to remember to translate the recipe into English sometime soon.  I hope everyone enjoyed him or herself but I was so busy trying to entertain everyone that I don't even know!

We also booked our flight to Israel today (we're going in June) and it will cost us only 400 total because we used miles.  Whoohoo!!!  We are looking at a boutique hotel in TA to use as a vacation from our vacation.  Husband wants to try the Diaghilev -- has anyone been or heard about it?

And in professional development: I think I have finally decided on a career in Infectious Diseases.  I still hesitate, but I think the decision was pretty much made.  I hope Dr. C wasn't joking when he essentially guaranteed me a spot!

I think that covers most bases.  I am hoping to get a full night's rest so will be going to bed now.  Goodnight, gut Shabbos, Shabbat Shalom, etc.  Will try to keep up better if I can.