I am lying in bed after an abbreviated Shabbos dinner. (Husband was tired and wanted to come home early.) It was one of those days when I spent a LOT of time thinking about infertility. I recognize now that these things ebb and flow. A year or so ago the depression was really getting to me. Now I realize it's just what is, and it waxes and wanes, and I have to try to enjoy the good moments and remember that the horrible moments won't last forever. I don't stop myself from being sad, I just let it happen. Fighting takes too much energy. With the sun I am usually better, and I am hoping we can finally shed the ski jackets sometime soon because seriously, April, it is too darn COLD.
We got the draft of our egg donor contract back. Husband already looked it over and said she is asking for a lot of revisions and he wonders if some are unreasonable. I still have to take a look. But I worry, too -- I'm rather a captive audience, aren't I? I just hope things work out.
I have been thinking too, what I would do if this cycle and the next cycle fail. Husband is still against adoption and I don't know how much more IVF I can do. I have my doubts even about this but am not giving up yet. I try to think about what I can do and what could bring me joy if (G-d forbid) I don't have a baby. It will never add up and it will never replace. And I would rather die than live childless. But life is a gift from G-d so that's not really an option.
- I can (theoretically) be a kickbutt physician, the one other doctors see when they need medical attention.
- I can finish writing my novel and be an author, dividing my time between clinical and educational duties and my writing. It works for Abraham Verghese.
- I can still make kickbutt challah, cake, and matza-ball soup. (Yes, I will provide the recipes one of these days)
- there will still be chocolate soufflé and cake-batter flavored ice cream to eat
- there will still be tea with sweetener and lemon
- there will be opera and theater and ballet
- there will be falafel and pita and jachnun in Israel
- the Mediterranean
- nachal zaki נחל זאכי, my favorite hike -- or it is a swim?
- I can still inspire students at the bedside
- I can still read a good book in bed until I can't keep my eyes open anymore
- music: Beethoven and Mozart and Bach and Chopin and Tchaikovsky and more
- frosting :o) by the spoonful, straight from the container
- the smell of new books at a bookstore
I think that's enough for a sleepy night with eight patients to see before rounds tomorrow morning. Nephrology is fascinating but I want sleep! And we are going to see Aida tomorrow night. Viva Verdi! (or is that Vittorio Emannuel Regnum d'Italia for you history buffs)
And one last question, dear readers: I have been thinking about the idea of Infertility Photos as a foil to the maternity photos my friends keep posting. I want pictures too! I don't know what exactly I would do, or how much it would cost (not wiling to spend much). But I am on a journey too, and it's longer and more painful, and I don't ever want to forget this time.
Any creative people have ideas for Infertility Photos? I don't actually intend to make them public, but I sort of want something for myself.
Anyway, that's all for tonight. Shabbat Shalom, everyone!