Considering that my original purpose in recording Mim's Adventures in Motherhood (or the search therefor) was to assist other couples by describing what worked and didn't work in this complex baby-making process, I have spent an inordinate amount of time on silly things like chronicling my day-to-day life and on random worries and musings. I thought it meet that I should set forth some actual, practical advice.
1. If you can free up an hour between 9:00am and 5:00pm on a regular basis, it's very helpful. You'll need this time for phone conferences with lawyers, scheduling appointments for doctors, calling insurance companies and billing departments and pharmacies, etc. Some communication can be done by email, and searching for egg donors is a completely on-line process if you use an agency, but there are many times when you actually need to talk to a real, live, person. And those real, live people inevitably work shorter hours than do you. It's been easier, I think, to get excused for an hour to conference with lawyers or a day to fly to Northwestern Hospital than it would be were I a resident. I have no idea what it's like holding a Real Job.
2. If a bill does not make sense (and there will be so many bills!) then don't hesitate to call and ask for an explanation. It's also wise to record what you pay, and what it covers.
3. I know some infertility websites recommend not going to baby showers or baby-full events while struggling with infertility. My take is somewhat different. You have a chance to celebrate a wonderful occasion and share in someone's happiness. You can't ever get that time back. So you might as well celebrate. You could actually enjoy yourself -- it IS a party, after all. I'm not saying it isn't sometimes painful. I found the hardest part to be afterward, when you don't have to put on a public face anymore. That's when you need to find a good way to handle the sadness, cheer yourself up, and cope with the envy.
4. On a similar note -- if you are a medical student or an Emergency Medicine resident and will therefore rotate through OB/GYN, it will be an emotionally taxing month. You might not realize it yourself -- I just thought I was becoming a cranky, irritable person -- until my internist/mentor/unfortunate listener to my constant whining until she leaves our institution this June suggested there was a reason I felt ready to snap at everyone. My advice is to recognize it will be rough, and put a support system in place.
5. A silly little piece of advice: if you are a young woman with Turners and they want to document Premature Ovarian Failure by taking you off your hormone replacement for 4-6wks, dress in layers. I had at least twenty hot flashes a day. I also discovered it made them worse if I found myself embarrassed or nervous -- basically anything that activated my sympathetic nervous system. I'm told soy helps. It's a phytoestrogen, basically a very low dose of estrogen. You can by it at health food stores and it shouldn't affect measurements of estrogen, FSH, or LH because the dose is low.
6. We are using New Life Agency for maternity coverage for our surrogate. I spoke with them on the phone and they were quite helpful about explaining things. I recommend calling an insurance broker as soon as you sign the surrogacy contract. You should have an idea of which company you will use beforehand, as it may be part of your contract. (It was in ours.) We will be purchasing our insurance later this week, even perhaps tomorrow. Both we and our surrogate have to apply. The broker said our application is much simpler. At least something is simpler!
7. It's sometimes difficult, but don't forget to be grateful. For Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, I spent at least an hour listing all the people and things in my life for which I am grateful. Not just big things -- little things too, like a really good cup of tea. It's a worthwhile exercise for putting things in their proper perspective. We are grateful to our family for their generous support. We couldn't do this without them. And I'm not talking only about their generosity. Their love and encouragement and support of how we have chosen to build our family are more than we could ask. We are also grateful to our friends for their constant encouragement and support, and to two special friends for a offer far above and beyond the call of duty. And then there's someone else to whom I am just so grateful and who has kept me grounded throughout this process. I hope she knows who she is. Thank you, everyone.
See? And that was just five minutes of big thank-yous, and I'm not even done! But you probably wish you were done reading this lengthy blog a long time ago, so I won't torture you with anything further :o)
