Affirmations

If I can only believe in and do the following...

1. I will emerge from this journey a stronger person.  The worst-case scenario happened and I'm still standing.  If I survived that, I can survive anything.
2. I will bear with grace the disappointments because the only thing I can control is my attitude.
3. My worth is not connected to my ability to have children.  Even if I sometimes feel so.
4. I am a girl.  Even if I have an isochromosome, and no functional ovarian tissue, and hormones that come from a pharmacy, and can't be pregnant, and am not a mother.  I am as much a girl as anyone else.
5. I will emerge from this journey a more patient person.
6. I will learn to count my blessings.  "Who is rich?  He who is happy with his portion."
7. I will look forward.  The past cannot be changed.  "Though nothing can bring back the hour, of splendor in the grass, of beauty in the flower, we will grieve not, rather find strength in what was left behind."  Or as my beloved great-grandmother (of blessed memory) said, "Life is for the living."  Or as the cast of Rent sings, "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."
8. I will turn this into an opportunity to learn better coping skills.
9. I will smile at least once every day.  As long as you can smile, all is not lost.
10. I will learn to cede control because sometimes, there really is nothing you  can do.
11. I WILL be a mother one day.  Even if it only in Heaven.

After that last bitter post -- time to think about someone else!

...and give a huge mazel tov to B, L, and their daughter-in-the-making!  B has matched into a urology residency after delaying his postgraduate training a year because the (clearly blind) urology programs didn't want him first time around.  Fools!  But, not to be discouraged, B found a high-powered research position at a VERY prestigious institution.  And NOW, he has officially matched at a great program in the Midwest.  I am so excited for the 2.5 of them!

It also is a great lesson in attitude.  B could have been bitter, envious, and terrified of his uncertain future and the possibility that four years of medical school went to waste.  Instead, he threw himself into his research year.  He and his wife explore their temporary home, and have numerous adventures under their belt which will shortly be a thing of the past.  They took advantage of the free time before his residency.  And I never ONCE heard him complain.

That's the way to handle disappointment.

So why can't I?

Reflections

By order of the Committee for the Prevention of the Publication of Verbal Incontinence, Unnecessary Bitterness, and Extraordinary Selfishness, this post has been removed.

You're welcome.

...and it's time for an inspirational quote

"The most  beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.  These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern."

So turn that frown upside down, Miss M (as my parents call me) and learn to be that person!

Any tips on surviving a lost baby's due date?

I should be counting down the days until my children are born.  January 25 was supposed to be their birthday.  Instead I still find myself explaining to people that we lost them both.

If you're out there and you've been through this, how do you make it through the due date?  Any and all advice appreciated.

Goodbye, 2011.  I can't say we ended on the best of terms.  Thank you for bringing my med school graduation.  It was one of the happiest moments of my life.  But no thanks at all for taking my Bubby, my Aunt Jean, and my precious babies-to-be.  Bubby and Aunt Jean, I love you both forever and I will miss you always.  My sweet Baby B and Baby A, I loved you as much as if I'd held you in my arms and I will never forget you.

I only hope 2012 has less heartbreak.