I know time often moves more quickly in retrospect. Indeed, I can't believe med school is over and I'm not even an intern anymore. I certainly can't believe my high school class will have its ten-year reunion this fall. I just wish I could believe that "it" really will eventually come. I don't believe anymore. I believe in Hashem (God or literally The Name) and that He could give me children if He chose to do so. I just don't see Him choosing.
The word "shadowing" started me thinking. Infertility and shadows are so linked for me. The dark shadows of depression. The shadowy, just-hanging-on existence because NOTHING matters to me as much as having children. Waiting in the shadows while my friends have their babies and even start having second babies. The shadows of doubts that this will ever work. Even ultrasounds are black and white and grey -- shadows. And how about foreshadowing? When I learned that we'd lost sweet Baby B I told -- my mentor, maybe? -- that as long as it was just one I could bear the loss. Had I only known.
So yes, I suppose next weekend will be yet another shadowing experience. Hopefully I will enjoy some part of it, and hopefully she is right that the Maternal Degree will eventually come.
This weekend my aunt is hosting her annual Spanish Night. It was at this same dinner party last year that we announced our "good news." A year can take sad turns.
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