Friday, August 3, 2012

In Which Our Heroine is not yet sleepy she's reading blogs and trying to calm herself to sleep.

The Baby Immersion weekend was actually a lovely time, no thanks to Delta for delaying both the departing and returning flights.  Seeing B and L, and S, and of course Baby A, was great.  I was very proud of myself for not breaking down even once.  It helped that B and L took a genuine interest in my struggles, and that B expressed their support for me in simple, heartfelt terms.

And I got to hold a baby  I held a sweet little two-month-old for what probably totals up to hours.  I haven't had that opportunity in so long...five years, I think.  In my arms I could pretend she was mine.  I sang to her in Yiddish and Hebrew.  I rocked her.  She fell asleep in my arms.  And I won't lie.  I pretended...that's allowed, isn't it?  It doesn't hurt anyone, and at least if I can't have real children I shouldn't be denied my dreams.

And I think increasingly about giving up.  I can't close this door yet.  I also know I will NEVER be truly happy without children of my (sort of) own, and I don't want to be happy without children because that would truly mean giving up.  But I just don't know how I can go through this again.  I nearly broke at least twice.  (Losing Baby B was easier because we still had Peanut.)  Can I venture there again?  Because I have no more hope.  This is a perfunctory exercise in futility that I am doing only because if I quit now I would always wonder if maybe the next cycle would be The One.  And honestly -- I don't want hope.  Hope hurts horribly.  Pessimism, on the other hand, is a protective blanket in which I can wrap myself.

People tell me this next cycle will work.  Why?  Why should it be any different?  Yes, I know the egg donor is a different young woman -- that is, IF she passes her colonoscopy on Wednesday.  With the luck I've had thus far...

I'm going to give a shout out to S for volunteering again, by the way.  I love you dearly.  I know I could count on you if I need to do so.

And I know my sister (who's ten years younger than I) will probably finish having children in another fifteen or twenty years, but would she be willing to make me one?  And is my late forties too late?

I am not giving up, but sometimes I don't know why.  This just feels like the definition of futile care.  And I HATE that I don't even bear the brunt of it!  Other people are taking medications, undergoing procedures, and paying more money than I can imagine, because of me and my flawed meiosis.  Why?

And the ridiculous part is, from an evolutionary standpoint, I shouldn't even exist.

I did have a sweet, wonderful, miraculous afternoon and I shouldn't neglect to record that.  I had a lovely morning clinic with one nutty patient and one very pleasant woman, and after noon conference ad a quick stop at Target, I picked up my little cousin and we made challah together.  While the dough rose we played hide and seek, and put on makeup, and ate marshmallows and chocolate chips.  And we both got covered with flour.  And yes, the challah tasted delicious.  Just like Shabbos should.


  1. Have you had your aorta checked? Was it so bad that it will not hold up? Have you gotten a second opinion on trying yourself with a donor egg. I know it's hard to stay positive I lost a lot of my happy self in the last 7 months. Holding that baby and dreaming give you hope through all the pain. And when you held that baby was the love unconditional? Hold on to that because that is how you will feel the secind they put your baby in your arms it doesn't matter who's egg it came from.
    Afm I am on week 2 of a mock cycle. I had a lining of 8.8 last week. If this keeps up I'm on my way to Prague for donor eggs in Oct.
    Don't give up!!! Chin Up!!!

    1. Oh, you're not bothering me at all :o) I actually don't get asked that often because very few people know I have TS. I did have a (very) complete cardiac workup because initially my plan was to carry a pregnancy myself, just using donor eggs. Girls with Turners are supposed to have echocardiograms (ultrasound of the heart) and cardiac MRAs every three to five years, as well as renal MRI/MRA at the same interval. The echocardiogram is of course painless, and as a physician it was fun to watch the screen. I could see where my body patched a whole between my two ventricles! The cardiac MRA is less fun. You have an 18-gauge needle in your arm so that the power-injector can inject gadolinium contrast at appropriate moments. That's a pretty big needle, although not the end of the world. You lie in the MRI machine for ninety minutes and have to do all these specific breathing exercises for the ENTIRE time, which can be tiring. My studies actually have always been STONE COLD NORMAL. But unfortunately, the problem with TS and pregnancy is that we could still have dilatation and dissection of our aorta during pregnancy and the postpartum period even with a normal baseline exam. The main REI specialist basically refused to let me undergo IVF. I could have shopped around and I'm sure someone would have let me, but I figured that might be asking for trouble -- and even by that point I was somewhat resigned. (The full story of how we ended up with surrogacy is in my very first post, Begin at the Beginning.)

      Thank you as always for your encouragement. I needed that! Also good look with your mock cycle. Will you get to tour Prague at all? I hear it is absolutely lovely so you'd better take lots of pictures!

    2. I'm debating going early so I won't have the stress of traveling just before the transfer. That would give me a lot of time for exploring. I am bringing my sister with me and her main goal is to take a train all night to see forgive me my spelling is bad lol Auswitz camp. She is a WW2 buff and it is a once and a lifetime trip in the first place. I want to see Austria. My mom says her great grandma was from Austria. She isn't sure were though.

  2. Sorry I asked the questions. After I posted them I read it and thought to myself, Stupid aren't you tired of them asking you the same thing!!! I was asked a million times the same thing. So sorry to ask you what I have been getting my entire adult life.