Briefly, more updated

Another Yom Kippur has come and gone.  Another embryo transfer has come and failed.  I expected it to fail but still hoped it might be my rainbow baby.  After all, what could be more auspicious than a fresh transfer on Erev Rosh Hashanah?

Apparently, lots.  Surrogate's beta-hCG was 2.

We will transfer two frozen embryos in November.  At least, I hope we will have two.  There are currently four so I hope at least two survive the thaw.  If (or when?) we exhaust all the frozen embryos, we will consider switching fertility clinics.

It was a difficult day.  I don’t use my phone on Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement), but Surrogate texted me so it popped up on screen.  I forced myself to shul for the last 3.5 hours of prayer but struggled.  Less than twenty-four hours earlier I was dressed all in white, singing joyously to melodies we use only on the holiest day of the Jewish year.  But that night my eyes just ran over the prayers blankly and I could barely focus.  I was so sad and angry.  I believe without question in God, which only made it worse because I wanted to show myself that if you really believe you pray and you praise God no matter what.

Since then I am back at work, although I can't focus at all.  I just want to obsess and cry even though it changes nothing.  But knowing that intellectually doesn't stop the emotional me from wanting to scream, "STOP, world!  I am upset and I wish you would take notice."  Patients don't stop getting sick because I am upset.  Interns and med students don't stop requiring supervision and teaching.  So I guess I just have to pull myself up by my bootstraps.  My internist/mentor says just to plan for each day.  It makes sense.

One infertile day at a time.