In Which IVF Fails. Again.

I've had quite the streak of luck.

1. Had to work a month at my least favorite hospital, with a bad attending, and a bad intern.

2. Was on call on my birthday.

3. As a birthday present, found out we were out of embryos.

4. Our fourth IVF cycle failed.  We did a two-embryo FET using an 8-cell and a 5-cell transfer.  I got the call today during a lecture on STEMIs (ie heart attacks).

At this point we have tried two different surrogates and two different ovum donors.  I don't know what our next step will be.  I wonder if it makes sense to continue.  Maybe I should just hope Husband will reconsider adoption?  My family keeps pushing us to continue IVF but my mentor/internist suggests cutting our losses and I think perhaps she's right.   But I don't want to make any decisions while I'm still emotional.

And emotional I am.  I feel angry and hurt and sad and hopeless and jealous.  I don't think I'll ever become a mother.  I don't believe anymore.  I want to be a mother more than anything in the entire world and I would give anything to make that happen.  But I wonder if I must accept the unacceptable.

I will eventually regroup.  For now, though, let the pity party continue: samosas and palak paneer for dinner, washed down with mango lassi.  A book-buying binge.  And a donation to charity.

Happy Thanksgiving...sort of.

In Which Our Heroine Emerges from two VERY LONG months

...only to be headed toward another busy one: cardiac care unit.  But at least I have done my two months as a senior resident leading a team and for the rest of the year only need to supervise myself.  Leading a team is challenging, especially when you constantly function with half a team because of peoples' days off and clinics.  It's disjointed and I wish there was a better system.  But nobody wants to read about how the ACGME mandated duty hours actually harm my education and patient care, so I will step down from my soapbox.

I don't have much of an update right now on operation In Futility.  I can tell you that this next cycle may be a major reflective point.  If it fails, we are again out of embryos.  I don't know what the next move should be.  Do we find a third egg donor and transfer to a different clinic?  Northwestern clearly hasn't brought us great success and I know there are some excellent clinics in Surrogate's state.  But is there a point?  Why do the same thing over and expect different results?

Except I don't know what other option I have.  Husband is still absolutely unwilling to adopt.  And I am unwilling to live without children.  My mentor/internist/person who tolerates my self-centered ridiculousness says that Husband will reconsider with time and that I should learn patience.  I know she's right that I need to learn patience.  But I'm not patient.  I have never been patient.  I wish I could be but I don't even know how to learn patience.

Dear readers: How does one learn patience?  Can it even be taught?  Personality traits are so difficult to change.