1. Had to work a month at my least favorite hospital, with a bad attending, and a bad intern.
2. Was on call on my birthday.
3. As a birthday present, found out we were out of embryos.
4. Our fourth IVF cycle failed. We did a two-embryo FET using an 8-cell and a 5-cell transfer. I got the call today during a lecture on STEMIs (ie heart attacks).
At this point we have tried two different surrogates and two different ovum donors. I don't know what our next step will be. I wonder if it makes sense to continue. Maybe I should just hope Husband will reconsider adoption? My family keeps pushing us to continue IVF but my mentor/internist suggests cutting our losses and I think perhaps she's right. But I don't want to make any decisions while I'm still emotional.
And emotional I am. I feel angry and hurt and sad and hopeless and jealous. I don't think I'll ever become a mother. I don't believe anymore. I want to be a mother more than anything in the entire world and I would give anything to make that happen. But I wonder if I must accept the unacceptable.
I will eventually regroup. For now, though, let the pity party continue: samosas and palak paneer for dinner, washed down with mango lassi. A book-buying binge. And a donation to charity.
Happy Thanksgiving...sort of.
Big hugs to you, Mim. I am so sorry - that just really, really sucks. I do believe that you will become a mom but I am sorry the journey so far has been so impossibly difficult and heartbreaking. Was this a donor you have used in the past? It seems like it would really improve the odds if you guys could make it to a blastocyst transfer. Thinking of you and hoping for brighter days ahead in the near future.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, A! I really appreciate your support. This was donor #2, who we'd used for both a fresh and a frozen embryo transfer. We are working on finding a new donor, either my best friend from med school or an anonymous donor. I hope you, Peanut, and Y and doing well! Do you plan to find out if it's a boy or a girl? Hope Toronto isn't too cold; it's snowing pretty heavily in my hometown but we have a stew in the poiyke (sp?) in our fireplace and my very Israeli mother-in-law's temper to warm us :o) (At least she didn't talk about being a mother preparing her to eat cold pizza!)
DeleteI am so sorry it didn't work. Is the surro going to continue to try or are you thinking of using an new one? The right combo is out there you just have to find it. I hope you don't give up hope!!!! I have been through everything you have I went through 4 surrogates 4 donated embryos and thousands of dollars. Don't give up I didn't and know you shouldn't either!!! Maybe it is time to go independent and find your surrogate and egg donor yourself!!! (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your support! We are going to try again with the same surrogate but will need a different donor. I needed some of that enthusiasm and optimism! Hope you are feeling well -- how far along are you now? I hope everything works out and you finally get your dream baby :o)
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