Friday, December 9, 2011

Why am I so sad? Is this too sad?

Why am I so sad lately?  I cry after a disagreement with Husband, on my way home from the hospital, at morning report yesterday -- and I wasn't even the one presenting or being questioned!  And morning report is usually the highlight of my day!  I cried at Thanksgiving.  I even cried on the way to meet a friend for shoe shopping.  This week alone I have cried at least four separate times.  But what really bothers me is that I can't focus.  I go to work but my heart is elsewhere.

Mama says I should "get over it" by now and that if not I need an antidepressant.  My grandmother says it's "just" a miscarriage and that it is nothing because she lost a toddler which is much worse.  They both make me feel so alone.  I just want someone to listen and understand.  At least I got a little bit of that today -- thank you from the bottom of my heart if by some strange chance you are reading this.

It's been 3 months 19 days.  Oddly, the blanket of sadness is heavier now than it was right after losing the babies.  Its weight suffocates and paralyzes.  I can't focus at work.  I don't call my friends and I don't feel like hanging out with people, although I have dragged myself out a few times.

Is this clinical?  I don't know.  I get dressed every day, go to work, even apply makeup.  I can joke and laugh with my fellow house-staff and with the medical students.  All of which argues against a diagnosis of MDD.  Except then the sadness returns and I want to cry into my childhood security blanket.

My mentor told me I had the strength to get through this but maybe she overestimated me.  I am a self-centered, narcissistic emotional wimp who can't appreciate the countless blessings she has right in front of her.

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