Why am I so sad lately? I cry after a disagreement with Husband, on my way home from the hospital, at morning report yesterday -- and I wasn't even the one presenting or being questioned! And morning report is usually the highlight of my day! I cried at Thanksgiving. I even cried on the way to meet a friend for shoe shopping. This week alone I have cried at least four separate times. But what really bothers me is that I can't focus. I go to work but my heart is elsewhere.
Mama says I should "get over it" by now and that if not I need an antidepressant. My grandmother says it's "just" a miscarriage and that it is nothing because she lost a toddler which is much worse. They both make me feel so alone. I just want someone to listen and understand. At least I got a little bit of that today -- thank you from the bottom of my heart if by some strange chance you are reading this.
It's been 3 months 19 days. Oddly, the blanket of sadness is heavier now than it was right after losing the babies. Its weight suffocates and paralyzes. I can't focus at work. I don't call my friends and I don't feel like hanging out with people, although I have dragged myself out a few times.
Is this clinical? I don't know. I get dressed every day, go to work, even apply makeup. I can joke and laugh with my fellow house-staff and with the medical students. All of which argues against a diagnosis of MDD. Except then the sadness returns and I want to cry into my childhood security blanket.
My mentor told me I had the strength to get through this but maybe she overestimated me. I am a self-centered, narcissistic emotional wimp who can't appreciate the countless blessings she has right in front of her.