That's right, dear readers, Husband has agreed to try again. We have to decide whether to accept my best friend's offer to be our egg donor or to choose another anonymous donor, and we have no cycle dates in place yet. It will likely be a few months. Surrogate N is thrilled.
I'm on the other hand, am worried and lonely. Will I have the strength to bear another failed cycle? I'm so close to breaking. If we run out of eggs again, if Husband still refuses to adopt, I don't know what I would do. Childless is an option for some people. It's not for me. I would die. Except suicide is a sin, and so in all truth I would just live a very very sad life. Perhaps it hurts less with time?
The loneliness hurts too. Mama thinks I am ridiculously preoccupied, and Mama Phyll doesn't understand how one can pour one's entire heart into a cycle and be so devastated when it fails. When your mother and grandmother don't understand, who will? Even my other go-to person has been trying to convince me not to make this my entire reason for existence and instead to focus on other things. She means well, but sometimes I wonder if even she doesn't understand. After all, this isn't as if I want a new toy or a new book. I want a child. I need a child. What else could possibly be as important for a girl who wanted to be a mama from the time she was three years old?
The other aspect of isolation is how my circle of non-pregnant or parent friends dwindles. Every time someone makes an announcement, it's another person whose life is about to change forever in a direction where I can't follow. I am left watching from the sidelines. And while I have -- for the most part -- accepted that I will never be pregnant, when someone starts talking about her pregnancy all I can think about is how I will never experience that. And yes, I understand it's not nine months of bliss. But it's an experience most women share, the quintessential female experience, and I won't know what it's like. I hate missing out.
But for now, this sad puppy is going to bed. Busy day of Infectious Disease consults tomorrow with my very brilliant Daddy as the attending!
Well I am very excited for you that the hubby is on board! Important decisions ahead, but I am sure you will figure out what donor is best. I understand how you feel. It is very scary to have so few fertility options. I too have no idea how I will continue or move on or live my life is we cannot figure out a way to become parents. That is just scary. So I just try to take it one day at a time. Today, we have some hope and so do you!
ReplyDeleteThank you again for your encouragement! It means so much to me that someone who has never even met me is writing to me and sending me such support. I am rooting for you too -- your transfer is approaching and while it seems like forever away, the time will pass more quickly than you think.
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