It's done.  We met Surrogate at the Maternal-Fetal-Medicine specialist Friday and Dr. K_________ said it was hopeless and also risky to Surrogate to do anything but terminate.  I know that technically this was just completing what had already started.  I know the baby couldn't have survived and I would never want to endanger Surrogate.  But that little one had a heartbeat and now it doesn't.  And it won't.  I know I had no choice but I feel like I killed this tiny 17week2day creature.

Mama and my grandmother tell me this loss is not a big deal, that it's not like losing a live child, that I should move forward and try again and I will eventually have a baby.  My grandmoher had a miscarriage and even lost an eighteen-month-old.  But she knew she could have children and in fact already had children.  Even though we have four embryos left I feel as if I am one step closer to ending up childless.  That's what this means to me.  I know my family loves me and cares and supports me but I feel like they don't understand.  But I also know that I should listen to my grandmother.  She has been through a lot and speaks from wisdom.  And if my dear, wonderful, amazing great-grandmother were here, she would also say to me "Tochter (daughter), life is for the living."

So I quite literally force myself to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  I'm trying not to break down and cry.  I desperately want to but people keep telling me I shouldn't be so sad, and honestly I'm working or sleeping so I haven't had time to cry anyway.  When I feel I need to I just tell myself I will put it off until I can, and thus I carry on.  Last night was easier than the night before, and tonight is a little easier yet.  I still feel hollow inside and distracted but I guess it will improve with time.  Tomorrow the surrogacy agency is supposed to contact me regarding new surrogates.  I hope they find someone quickly.  I'm open to two surrogates simultaneously as well -- anything to increase the chances of getting a baby/babies.  I hope Surrogate doesn't feel guilty or bad that I'm not using her again. It's nothing she did, and this was NOT her fault.  It's just that I think mabye at her age and multiparity she might be done.  I really hope she understands.

Anyway, I'm sleepy and writing this makes me sad again, so I think I will be done.  Stay tuned for updates from x-ray land; I'm supposed to repeat a chest roentgenogram this week to see what's happened to my "hilar lymphadenopathy."