The meeting went well, and both Surrogate and her husband and my Husband and I agreed to proceed forward.  The difficult thing now will be preparing mentally and -- more, really -- emotionally.  I am so afraid to open myself up to another disappointment.  I try to be pessimistic just to shield myself -- if I expect the worst I can't be disappointed, right?  But oh, if it were to work out -- no, must NOT entertain that possibility.  Not unless I actually embrace a live baby.

I wonder if it's normal to be so unfocused and still sad two and a half months after losing Baby A.  I definitely don't have the motivation or the mental energy I wish I did.  I know I'm not caring for my patients the way I should.  I can barely remember physical findings and keep confusing which patients have which findings.  It's completely unacceptable, and yet it continues.  My program director thinks I am doing well and am one of the top interns, well ahead of at least my July senior resident.  But I know she's wrong.  I am nowhere near the level at which I need to practice medicine.  And my mentor reassures me I will be okay.  But what if she's wrong too?  I'm really terribly average at best.  And one day there won't be anyone overseeing me and preventing me from killing patients, and then God help us all.

In other medical news -- no more ramipril.  This cough got way out of hand.  It's on to a more distal part of the RAA pathway, and hello to losartan.  Hope the ARB keeps my BP down and doesn't cause a cough.