Sunday, June 10, 2012

More gallows humor: Anti-maternity photos

Jealous of your friends' maternity photos?  Sick of ogling their adorable baby bumps?  Why not take photographs of your own?  Here are some ideas for anti-maternity photos:

1. Arms out from your belly as if encircling a baby bump.  But you haven't got one, so frown.

2. Sit in a rocking chair, cradling the printout from the last ultrasound taken before you miscarried.  This one's a frown as well, and tears if you can manage.

3. If you sport a flat stomach, do a close-up flaunting your perfect body.  Grin and toss your hair for the camera.  Stick your tongue out at those pregnant women if you want.  No stretch marks for you!

4. A black-and-white or sepia shot of the empty room waiting for Baby Godot.  Sunlight focused on the cradle provides extra effect.

5. Multiple miscarriages?  Commemorate them artfully by laying the ultrasound printouts artfully in a bassinet.   Making "no" signs on each ultrasound in red permanent marker drives the message home even more.

6. Stand at the entrance to a maternity clothing store, wistfully looking in.

7. Sit on a park bench watching a new mother (ideally also younger than you) playing with her baby.  You are in soft focus, she is in sharp.

8. Close-up of your BFN.  Enough said.

And here are some other crafty ideas:

1. Glue a mirror into your empty OCP disks and voila -- you just made a compact!  Decorate with glitter and you've got a great party favor.  Especially fitting for handing out at baby showers.

2. Can't use prenatal vitamins yourself since your aorta is apparently porcelain-fragile?   Just don't need them because of your BFN?  Neither reason is an excuse not to by them.  Instead, use them to spell out "congratulations" on your friends' new baby cards!

3. Wondering how you will possibly afford your next IVF cycle, especially if you are using a surrogate?  Hold a raffle, with the prize being all the baby items you collected back when you naively thought you would quickly become a parent.

4.You can also raise money for your next treatment by holding a guessing game with a small buy-in, where friends and family guess when you will end up with a baby.  If you don't need the assistance funding the next cycle, or are taking a break, use the money to treat yourself at the bookstore/mall/ice cream store depending on your personality.  Or be nice, and use it to buy a gift for the person/people supporting you during this process.

5. Why are birth announcements the only announcements going around?  Must we discriminate against the other possible endings to embryo transfer?  Make BFN announcements (see photograph idea number 8) or miscarriage announcements.  You deserve to share your news, too!  Suggest that in lieu of baby gifts, coupons to the nearest soft-serve station are appreciated.

Why is it that as I approach our next round, I am increasingly bitterly sarcastic?

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