I think the most frustrating aspect of infertility w gestational surrogacy and egg donation is my absolute lack of any control and of any participation in the baby-making process. I don't even feel like the embryos-on-ice sitting snugly at Northwestern Hospital are mine. They are more related to Husband than to me, after all. What did I do but fill out paperwork?
And now the nurse coordinator advises against Surrogate taking a home pregnancy test . Honestly! At least could I control how I learn about the results of this cycle? Is even this forbidden me? Did it occur to the nurse coordinator that I don't want to find out from her on the phone -- her with her always cheerful voice, which if we don't end up with a pregnancy is going to cut like a scalpel? But then, no matter what I will find out on the phone. I don't even get to do the test myself. And this frustrates me so much, the complete removal from the baby making process. I feel like a fake girl even more than I already do as a Turner's girl.
I wish rereading my affirmations would help...
What a powerful post -- and something, frankly, I've never thought about when it comes to surrogacy so I'm so glad to get this point-of-view.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for the feedback.
DeleteI always feel so helpless during IVF, and I'm using my own body to do it. I can't imagine going through it without having even the small bit of control that I do have. I don't suppose your surrogate would ignore the advice for your sake?
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!! I'm sending out a request to the Universe that you get a BFP.
Thank you -- I hope the Universe hears you loudly and clearly! The lack of any control is frustrating but I try to focus on the fact that at least I don't have to take the medications. That, and lots of makeup -- that is something I can do which is 100% girl and for which you don't need two chromosomes OR hormones OR ovaries. And hey, if my eyelashes happen to be so long people think they're fake...
DeleteI felt very helpless during our gestational surrogacy cycle and can understand your need to control at least one aspect of the cycle. Will your surrogate disregard the nurse's instructions if you ask? I'm sending you lots of hope and strength your way.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much -- I could use a large helping of both! I'm also glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Our surrogate is a lovely woman and would be delighted to disregard the nurse's advice. I am the one who decided not to in the end -- I feel so much more resigned than last time that it hasn't been too torturous and I am in a nihilistic mood. Not, of course, that I don't welcome an end to the uncertainty...soon...
DeleteForget what the nurse said!!! You have every right to go to the sorros house and watch the pee stick change. One way or the other you will be there. This is your baby you may not be the one carrying it but you were there when it was made. You were there when it was placed in the surro and watched it go in on the u/s machine. You are there and it is yours and You have the right to see that stick turn YES or Pregnant. And by the way all surros go against what the nurse says and pee's anyway.
ReplyDeleteHaha, both Surrogate and I have been very tempted. She and I actually live on opposite sides of the country so I was unable to be present for the implantation and wouldn't be able to watch a test turn positive. I am getting close to the date but ended up deciding just to wait it out. I feel far more resigned than last time and realized that I won't trust the results anyway until we have a quantifiable beta. If a home test was positive, I would still worry until we have a beta-hCG; and if it were negative, I would hold out hope until the bloodwork came back. So we will see.
DeleteThat really was insensitive of the nurse. I hope that you and your surrogate can work out an agreement about what does and does not work for you without that kind of interference from people who should mind their own beeswax. (That, btw, is the first time in my life that I have EVER written "mind their own beeswax." It was weirdly gratifying.)
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with the cycle. I hope that however you find out, the news is marvelous!
Thank you! I also hope the news is marvelous...just a little while longer...and I agree that "mind your own beeswax" is a very satifying!
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