Sunday, March 4, 2012

Sadness comes in waves

Its odd -- I can be suddenly overjoyed at the fact that Abraham Verghese replied to an email, or that I made my mentor proud, or that a patient is improved because I treated him/her appropriately.

But equally suddenly I can enter a deep despair.  A good friend shares a baby-bump picture on Facebook -- day is gloomy.  Find out another friend is pregnant -- bring on the choco-therapy.

Why can't I just be content with what I've got?

At least I had a really nice conversation with New B today at my lovely Auntie's birthday.  We ended up talking about Operation Baby a bit, and she was so incredibly understanding.  I haven't met many fertile women who so easily understand.  She practically voiced my every emotion.  But the most comforting part was that a) she understood how painful this can be and b) she told me that EVERY one of her friends who wanted children ended up having them, one way or another.

I must hang on to that.  If I truly want children, I can eventually make it happen.  I hope?  I sometimes think about the possibility of never having children.  That is what Mama doesn't understand -- there is a very real possibility of never having children.

What do I do then?  What is my purpose?  What is my legacy?

1 comment:

  1. That has always been my feeling. I was told at 18 I couldn't. I greaved it privately all my life. Come to find out at 39 that it might be a possability. Even at my age if thete is a chance I'm going to take it. You will be a mom you just have to hold on to the hope. I am being hooked up to the GnRH pump in May in hopes that it will help me ovulate. I have Kallmann Syndrone whitch is kinda close to your ts.